The devil whispered in my ear, ‘you’re not the strong to withstand the storm”. I whispered in the devil’s ear, ‘I AM THE STORM’
And so today I am being called to speak about Narcissistic abuse and my own personal experience. I’m here to tell you that there is hope that you are not alone, I’m with you, and that healing is possible. Taking on the path to narcissistic abuse recovery is a courageous step that can be both challenging and rewarding.
While the healing process is unique to each individual, there are several effective ways to heal to help you reclaim your sense of self and move forward.
For those who can relate, a relationship with a narcissist is a roller coaster ride. Speaking from my personal experience, it started as potential and promising dating relationship that very soon turned into a nightmare, that took years to get out of it, leaving those involved dealing with the trauma for years after is over.
Narcissism is conceptualized as a dimensional personality construct characterized by extreme self-love, a strong sense of entitlement, and a need for attention, admiration, and approval (Miller et al., 2011).
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is characterized by complex self-experiences, including grandiosity, anger, self-derogation, and emptiness or apathy. Lack of empathy and impaired ability to recognize inner states is a feature of the disorder.
A functional MRI study showed that “persons high in narcissistic traits displayed decreased activation in the right anterior insula during an empathy task. 10 Study participants were unaware of their empathy impairment, which is a typical feature of narcissism and warns against using self-reports for investigating empathy in the NPD population.” It is interesting to note that study participants who were high in narcissism and low in empathy were also more unaware of their own emotions.
For those familiar with mental health, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (American Psychiatric Association, 2022) identifies narcissistic personality disorder, which is an extreme presentation of narcissistic traits that adversely impact relationships (Skodol et al., 2014).
To go deeper into this, there two main sub-types of trait narcissism. Grandiose and vulnerable with the sense of entitlement, arrogance amongst others are common in both types.
When reflecting back I could sense and feel these being manifested in all the things we were doing together when we first met. Showering me with compliments and gifts, wanting to spend all his time with me, the grand gestures and statements, make any women feel like they have met the person of their dreams. Best holidays, meals out, anything money could buy to impress.
This combination of being idealized and love-bombed then plays significantly in feeling temporarily emotionally connected, dependent, and ultimately vulnerable to their games.
He pretended to enjoy the things I enjoyed doing, acted like he understood me, he would dig into my past to know my vulnerabilities and weaknesses, and at the time I thought I was just sharing my story and that would be it.
I’ve noticed that every time I said that something happened to me, he would say ‘his mate, who has another mate went through it exactly the same as you’, so is not a big deal, always trying to undermine my self-worth and self-confidence leading to extreme emotional abuse that was a constant in my life especially after the ‘honeymoon phase’, where I actually believed he was something that soon I came to find out he wasn’t. It was ALL a façade. This behaviour was extended to the people around him, family and employees.
I’ve started to notice a pattern in all his interactions past & present, anyone can be caught up in a relationship with a narcissist, but more often than not, they specifically select partners that have experienced trauma, emotional abuse, dysfunctional childhoods as these are much easier to trap.
One of the tactics used, is using the things you shared in privacy, things you experienced in your most vulnerable states and tell you all happened to you because 'it was all your fault'.
Comments that somehow seemed trivial in the beginning that today I clearly see were setting the grounding work for acceptance for higher levels of emotional, mental, and psychological abuse.
Comments such as: ‘You don't really mean that…You can't be serious about…It's not your fault you don't understand, it must be because of your trauma….You are so sensitive about…Just joking'.
It is not unusual for a partner to say something they think is funny when it is hurtful. Narcissists do not do this by accident, but rather as a strategic way to wound and traumatize. They do not apologize. Instead, they try to pass the continuous barrage of hurtful comments off as a joke or your unreasonable levels of sensitivity.
The tension starts to build up and you get glimpses of their true colours and before you know it, the abuse cycle has started with the insulting remarks, and belittling comments wrapped up with an endearing voice ‘ I was only joking’. You can feel something is off but you brush it off and many times we end up blaming ourselves. This is their initial intend to establish a power dynamic in which they are in control and you become ‘subservient’.
As the abuse and manipulation escalates, the ‘Gaslighting’ starts with the intentions of making one question their own perceptions and sense of reality. This happens throughout the entire cycle of abuse – when the tension is building up, when the abuse escalates, and during the reconciliation phase.
In my experience it was like, blatantly dismissing me because ‘the way I was feeling wasn’t real’, he knew what I felt and not me. Countering everything I said by telling me what I remembered was wrong. Blocking me immediately by saying ‘oh here we go again, denying my reality saying he has never said that or that it never happened and blaming you, ‘you made me cheat on you, or you are so paranoid, crazy and broken because of your childhood’.
Over time, this chips away at one’s sense of reality, and we end up questioning our own perceptions and memory and become unsure and this is exactly what they are aiming at. In my personal experience, I was constantly being blamed, verbally and emotionally, abused, threatened that if I met somebody else, ‘I would be responsible for making him spend time in jail’, intimidating my male friends etc.... It didn't matter what I did, I was continuously criticized, humiliated and insulted both publicly and privately.
Then ‘the triangulation phase’ follows, where in order to elicit low vibrational feelings of jealously, competitiveness and insecurity, they use tactics such as comparing you to their ‘ex-partners’ or bringing other people into the argument such as the ‘guys from the gym’ that know so much about your life, even though you never really met them nor have ever seen them before but they ‘all agree with him.
Taking over my finances, and dealing with majority of things in my life, insulting, dismissing and patronizing me as a mother and a woman. Pushing my buttons, and shouting, portraying me as the ‘bad one’, when he finally got his desired reaction and then 'film it' to use against me as 'evidence'.
“ A father who abuses the mother has indicated that he cannot put the children’s interest first, since their mother’s abuse, by undermining her well-being is inherently harmful to the children’ ~ Joan Miller
The hardest of it all, is if you have a child with the toxic abuser and the abuse then extends to your child just to get to you.
I had to go ‘NO CONTACT’, this means, I stopped all forms of communication. No phone calls, no visits, cut all ties with him completely. It is truly the only solid way to break free from the narcissistic emotional abuse and begin on the long, twisty path to healing both for me and my children.
Obviously this means the toxic parent will do so many things to get at you and in my case, he has stopped financially providing for his child. This is to get to you and not the child, even though it is the child that gets affected as this results in the child not being able to continue the weekly activities they loved.
I was surprised to find out that he is on ‘low income’ and unbale to support his child financially.
Is funny, as he likes to show off to the world the illusionary luxury of wearing expensive clothing, and crazy spends of £300 or more a night for hotels, for the sake of entertaining women he will never see again, only just to impress.
“The peace I feel without your presence in my life is worth being the villain of your story”
Not only that, they try to ‘befriend’ your friends and tell them horrible things about you with their ‘Smear Campaign’. After going ‘NO CONTACT’ is usually when it happens, at last for me.
Spreading rumours and lies about you and who you are, telling people your secrets, and trying to ruin your reputation and relationships. Ensuring you look bad and they are the ‘victim’, a way of still holding on to control even after you completely discarded them.
Highly recommend every women going through this to empower yourself with available tools that will greatly support you in your self-healing journey. Seek a professional therapist who is trained in this field to support you along the way.
I have personally used Sound healing (specifically drumming and dancing), the Violet Flame of transmutation, Meditation, prayers, Journaling and so many other tools for self- empowerment. I highly recommend joining the gym, classes, yoga etc…take baby steps, accepting and having compassion for all parts of yourself that still need healing. Open your eyes to the little miracles all around and trust that this will pass. You are not alone!
When I was in my second year of training for MM high priestess, my dear teacher was fully aware of my personal circumstances so, she introduced me to Melanie Evans. She is the founder of Quanta Freedom Healing, the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) and the Thriver Abuse Recovery Movement. She is awesome and has amazing courses that can benefit you plus free tools if you are not in a position to invest at this time. Check her out.
I also found this guy to be awesome
Prayer:
Flame of Healing of purest green bless my form and make whole!
Pour comfort into my soul & enlightenment into my mind.
I AM God’s Perfection manifest in body, mind and soul.
I AM God’s Healing Light flowing to make me whole.
I AM the Master Presence charging all my bodies with Love.
Beloved God Presence, as I transform my consciousness, let heaven’s perfection manifest in my daily life, send thy Ray of Healing upon my soul!
I AM Christ Presence charging me with Thy Radiant Healing Light until I become the full manifestation of that Light.
Beloved I AM, Beloved I AM, Beloved I AM!
If you are currently going through this type of abuse or have experienced it in the past and are in the healing journey process, then I'd love to hear your story, if you want to attend my sessions but can't afford it, email me and together we'll heal. I hear you, I feel you & I see you. You are not alone!
Sources:
Howard V. (2019). Recognising Narcissistic Abuse and the Implications for Mental Health Nursing Practice. Issues in Mental Health Nursing, 40(8), 644-654.
Vrabel, J. K., Zeigler-Hill, V., Lehtman, M., & Hernandez, K. (2020). Narcissism and perceived power in romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 37(1), 124–142.Walker, L. (1979). The Battered Woman. New York, NY: Harper and Row.
